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I Don't Want God as My Husband

Andrea, my first visitor, became a widow a few months earlier. "God is your husband now," she said. I don't want God as my husband. I want my husband as my husband. I thought.

I began meeting with Mary Kathryn shortly after Terry passed away. "All your sessions will focus on you taking care of you," she said after I explained how I cared for Terry as we battled Cancer.

How rude! I thought. If I'm taking care of me, who's taking care of.... then I remembered Terry had died. He is in the presence and the care of the Lord. He did not need me; I needed me.

I no longer cared for Terry; he no longer provided for me; tough lessons indeed.

Terry left me enough insurance to sustain me through retirement. Not considering my future, I spent nearly all of it trying to fill the emptiness without him.

I regret the financial mistakes I made. Despite them, God provided for me. He provided a secure job, a good income, and a safe residence. Without the lessons I learned, I would not have trusted God as my provider, as my husband, as I do today.

I followed Terry as he followed Christ. With Terry's death, the man in the middle, Terry, had been removed. As God shows me true intimacy with Him, I am learning to follow Christ on my own.

I had to let Terry go and allow God His rightful place in my life and heart. God is my husband now. He is the one I take my struggles to, the one who listens to my concerns. He fights for me.

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